**Warning, Contains Bodly functions** Male Humor!!!!!!!!!

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 50 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A SAFE HAVEN is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a CAMO-COUGH. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. The CAMO-COUGH is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
An ASTAIRE is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A WATERMELON is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TODD
An UNCLE TODD is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TODD makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORK POOP is an inevitable part of life.


"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Suess

I usually just pull out my cell phone and call Brian when someone won't leave and I need to ignore them and relax.

This may be the first time I have told this to him, but what are friends for, right?

Thanks Sophie.... I needed a good laugh and that was hilarious!!!

Sophie old girl... you have gotten a bit dotty and crass in your super secret comnfinement. Potty humor is for those who race cars and covet video game playing degrees..... Please try to keep it somewhat cleaner and have you seen Elvis or Lady Di hanging out there anywhere?

PS.... I did NOT read your post.... I fail to see what Jess thought was so funny....

BTW since this post fairly reeks (yes that was a pun) of Czeizingerisms I'm beginning to narrow my suspicions of the Sophie character............

Lynelle wrote:

PS.... I did NOT read your post.... I fail to see what Jess thought was so funny....

You didn't read it, but you fail to see why others find it funny. Isn't that like saying I don't eat seafood and I fail to see why people like it? Sorry, just thought your comment was funny.

I thought it was funny b/c I've worked in a office where some of those things were accurate.... and it's nice to know that eating enough greens and fiber makes all those problems go away.... yet so many people still have those problems.

First no girls in thongs, now no poop jokes.... are becoming the a stick in the mud Lynelle??

And if you read the whole thing through instead of just reading one or two parts you'll find the humor in the fact that someone put so much time and detail into the joke. I laughed at all the references.

i actually was in tears i laughed so hard! thanks for the tips Soph

I read it all...i guess i'm just not into poop jokes...Brandon would likely find it funny, since he has to go in places i would never even dream of!

I must say, dears, that while I'm sure this was fantastic, I decided not to read it based on what everyone else said. Because if the men liked it, it's probably not great. Maybe we can get a pillow for bad jokes too, AJ?