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 What do you think?

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Amanda
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PostSubject: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:26 am

Okay, so this question stems from Beth's journal section.

Do you think it's okay to compliment a person other than your spouse or significant other on his or her looks? Or does it just depend on how it's given?

For example, Bran said that he vowed to "denut" anyone that ogles his wife.

How exactly do you define ogling? According to Webster, to ogle someone is to stare at them impertinently, flirtatiously, or amorously. Do you agree/disagree?

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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:39 am

I know that a lot of people take jealousy too far. Brandon is one, but hes just a VERY protective person, as you all know.
I don't think that "looking" at other women/men is good because with looking often comes thoughts, and thoughts are what get you into trouble. But i also don't think that looking at someone beautiful/handsome and saying, wow, they are attractive is wrong.
When Brandon and i see someone thats attractive on TV we often comment about it.
However, i think that saying something about someones spouse is usually uncalled for because its just too personal. You know, you actually know the person your talking about. Just like Brandon would never say to his friend Troy that his wife is beautiful, eventhough i would have to agree that she is.

Hmm, did that make any sense? It sounded good in my head but now that i read it, i think i confused myself lol!
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Amanda
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:45 am

Bethie wrote:
However, i think that saying something about someones spouse is usually uncalled for because its just too personal. You know, you actually know the person your talking about. Just like Brandon would never say to his friend Troy that his wife is beautiful, eventhough i would have to agree that she is.

Hmm, did that make any sense? It sounded good in my head but now that i read it, i think i confused myself lol!

So knowing a person changes whether it's okay to compliment them? Or is it the level on which you know them? I mean.....casual acquaintance versus close friend?

I think jealousy and insecurity play a role in how we receive compliments. Also, I think the setting in which the compliment is given plays a role.

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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:53 am

Amanda wrote:
So knowing a person changes whether it's okay to compliment them? Or is it the level on which you know them? I mean.....casual acquaintance versus close friend?

I think it certainly does make a difference. But if you know them, you should also know whether it would be ok to "compliment" the persons spouse. Like most of you know Brandon doesn't take well to people talking about me, good or bad. But some guys love that others think their wives are hot.

Amanda wrote:
I think jealousy and insecurity play a role in how we receive compliments. Also, I think the setting in which the compliment is given plays a role.

It sure does.
The compliment itself makes a huge difference. Like "wow, you look great" would be different than other things that can be said (no need for me to say any, you all know what i'm talking about).
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Amanda
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:07 am

Bethie wrote:
Amanda wrote:
So knowing a person changes whether it's okay to compliment them? Or is it the level on which you know them? I mean.....casual acquaintance versus close friend?

I think it certainly does make a difference. But if you know them, you should also know whether it would be ok to "compliment" the persons spouse. Like most of you know Brandon doesn't take well to people talking about me, good or bad. But some guys love that others think their wives are hot.


Well, see. Then that leads me to another question. Is it up to a would-be complimenter to fully know, consider, and understand how a compliment would be received before giving one?

Or, is it up to the person receiving the compliment, or that person's spouse or siginificant other to simply take the compliment for what it is? A kind word, meant completely harmlessly, to uplift one's spirit.

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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:11 am

I think the complimenter should definately think about it before they say it and atleast decide how to say it respectfully.
THEN the person complimented as well as the significant other has to decide whether it was meant in a kind way or a derogatory way.
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Amanda
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:17 am

Bethie wrote:
I think the complimenter should definately think about it before they say it and atleast decide how to say it respectfully.
THEN the person complimented as well as the significant other has to decide whether it was meant in a kind way or a derogatory way.


How can a compliment be meant in a derogatory way?

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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:21 am

Well, would you rather someone say your hot or beautiful?
One way sounds like the person is thinking about you in a less than honorable way.
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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:23 am

And i think that "compliment" is being used loosely, i think "comment" is more like it.
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Amanda
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:33 am

Bethie wrote:
Well, would you rather someone say your hot or beautiful?
One way sounds like the person is thinking about you in a less than honorable way.


Honestly, it wouldn't matter. I think of them both as meaning "looks good."

I consider "hot" to be slang for beautiful or attractive.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:34 am

Bethie wrote:
And i think that "compliment" is being used loosely, i think "comment" is more like it.


This discussion was started as a generalized question. The only reason for my reference to a specific example is because that was what got me thinking. I'm not using the word "compliment" loosely, as that is what the question was based on. If you are discussing "comments," that's another issue entirely.

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Lynelle
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:34 am

I always try to stay on the safe side, and compliment someone on, lets say, the color of their dress, shirt whatever. Usually when I compliment it's not because someone has dressed up (in order to get people to notice them), I compliment when I notice that someone is looking down or like they need a kind word. And I don't just compliment people that are attractive, feeding vanity is NOT my thing. And I would NEVER compiment another persons spouse that would in any way be misconstrued as an inuendo.

All this has an acception of course, my daughters and their hubby's are the most beautiful, talented, smart and well adjusted that I have ever seen. And Tyler and Lee are just plain goot lookin'.
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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:41 am

Amanda wrote:
Bethie wrote:
And i think that "compliment" is being used loosely, i think "comment" is more like it.


This discussion was started as a generalized question. The only reason for my reference to a specific example is because that was what got me thinking. I'm not using the word "compliment" loosely, as that is what the question was based on. If you are discussing "comments," that's another issue entirely.

I meant that I was using compliment too loosely.
I don't find Hot or Smokin' to be an acceptable "compliment" about someone elses wife. I think thats what upset Brandon. Thats all.

I'm with you Lynelle. When i compliment, its about clothing, or maybe a hairstyle or things like that.
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:52 am

Bethie wrote:
I don't find Hot or Smokin' to be an acceptable "compliment" about someone elses wife. I think thats what upset Brandon. Thats all.

I'm with you Lynelle. When i compliment, its about clothing, or maybe a hairstyle or things like that.

Then it's simply a difference in opinions and they way we define things. I'm sorry that Brandon or you were upset by the comment. At the same time, I view it differently than you do, so it's hard for me to understand why you were upset. But again, I'm sorry you took the statement to mean anything other than what it was.

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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:53 am

I wasn't upset by it(eventhough i don't think that you should say those things about someone elses wife) but Brandon is much more sensitive about things like that.
Of course, if someone had said something to Brandon, i would have likely been upset too, i wouldn't have said anything, though.
I mean, i get mad when i hear that women are waving to him in traffic or when he translates for a Latino and the woman hes talking to starts giggling and laughing and he hasn't said anything funny or when women give him their business cards and tell him to call them anytime if he needs anything (all true stories), but i also TRY to take it as a compliment to me since i am the one that actually HAS him... Wink

Anyhoo, sorry, that was a little off topic.

But yes, everyone will take things differently, its just like posts...you have to be careful what you say because you never know how someone will perceive something differently than what you actually mean.
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Jesse
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:26 am

I don't mind complimenting or being complimented.... unless of course you hear the story of how the owner of Vito's was repeatedly hitting on my a few days ago (ick yuck).

People are going to say what they want to say... freedom of speech and all. The point of view that I'm imagining it from though is....

Since I think Gavin is hot and every few weeks I remind him that he should get some head shots done and try for some modeling (who wants to lay brick forever??) I have to put it into the view point of trusting my spouse... More than a few people (and several girls at the bank) have commented on how he looks like a certain movie star... and you know if they are saying that it's not b/c he looks like Forest Gump... it's b/c he's quit good looking.... (he'll gag if he reads this post).

But I've never felt threatened by that. Now if there was some girl hanging all over him and drooling at his every word (we won't say her name) then I get in the mood for a cat fight. But not because I don't trust Gavin... just because I'm defending my territory!

So I can understand Bran being made uncomfortable by Brian's comment... but then if I actually looked good and gave Brian a reason to say that about me then I would say "thanks" to his comment and Gavin and I would probably both laugh about it.

It's not like Brian called Beth or sent her a PM... he openly made the comment in front of everyone.

You can't control other people's motives. You can only trust that your spouse won't let it go to their head.

I think that's my opinion.
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Amanda
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:35 am

Jesse wrote:
I think that's my opinion.

Lol! That made me laugh. I agree with ya!

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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:41 am

Jesse wrote:
I don't mind complimenting or being complimented.... unless of course you hear the story of how the owner of Vito's was repeatedly hitting on my a few days ago (ick yuck).

People are going to say what they want to say... freedom of speech and all. The point of view that I'm imagining it from though is....

Since I think Gavin is hot and every few weeks I remind him that he should get some head shots done and try for some modeling (who wants to lay brick forever??) I have to put it into the view point of trusting my spouse... More than a few people (and several girls at the bank) have commented on how he looks like a certain movie star... and you know if they are saying that it's not b/c he looks like Forest Gump... it's b/c he's quit good looking.... (he'll gag if he reads this post).

But I've never felt threatened by that. Now if there was some girl hanging all over him and drooling at his every word (we won't say her name) then I get in the mood for a cat fight. But not because I don't trust Gavin... just because I'm defending my territory!

So I can understand Bran being made uncomfortable by Brian's comment... but then if I actually looked good and gave Brian a reason to say that about me then I would say "thanks" to his comment and Gavin and I would probably both laugh about it.

It's not like Brian called Beth or sent her a PM... he openly made the comment in front of everyone.

You can't control other people's motives. You can only trust that your spouse won't let it go to their head.

I think that's my opinion.

Which is why i wasn't offended by it (though like i keep saying, i don't think you should make comments like that to others wives/husbands) and is what i tried to explain to Brandon. But he makes up his mind about things split second, whether he likes something or not. He just didn't like how it was said, i think.

But lets look at it this way, Jesse.
How would you feel if i said to Gavin "When did you get so smokin'?" How would it make you feel? Uncomfortable in any way? Even a just a little?
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Bethie
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:48 am

I'm sure Gavin is gonna love this conversation...lol
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:18 am

I 1000% agree with Jess on this.
I believe it completely falls back on trust. If a complament or comment or any other thing is said in an open area and is not hidden, then you have to trust that you or your spouce will take it with a grain of salt. If someone went out of the way to make the comment hidding, trying to say it so their spouce wouldn't find out, thats another story.

I like he hear good things about me, just like the next person. You tend to get more compliments if you give them yourself.

Besides its very simple... if you don't like something, ask the person nicely to not do it again, if they do it again them being conserned is warrented.

P.S. High five Jess, we found something we agree on... you go girl.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:20 am

Brian wrote:
I 1000% agree with Jess on this.
I believe it completely falls back on trust. If a complament or comment or any other thing is said in an open area and is not hidden, then you have to trust that you or your spouce will take it with a grain of salt. If someone went out of the way to make the comment hidding, trying to say it so their spouce wouldn't find out, thats another story.

I like he hear good things about me, just like the next person. You tend to get more compliments if you give them yourself.

Besides its very simple... if you don't like something, ask the person nicely to not do it again, if they do it again them being conserned is warrented.

P.S. High five Jess, we found something we agree on... you go girl.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:51 am

Here is a twist.
If a person from the same gender give your spouce a nice comment about their looks would you still be offended or conserned?

WoW Gav, you have some nice looking legs there buddie.

Do you take it in the same way, or do you take it as a joke? If you take it as a joke, then why? If you think its because you know I'm not Gay and in no way would I ever do anything about it.
So what is different then If I said: WoW Jess, you have some nice looking legs.
You know I'm married and in no way would I ever do anything about it. SO I ask, does it make a different?

In my opinion I think alot of it falls on how well you know a person. I take comments alot different from a person that I don't know, then a person that is family or is a good friend.

Good topic so far BTW.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 11:10 am

Brian wrote:
Here is a twist.
If a person from the same gender give your spouce a nice comment about their looks would you still be offended or conserned?

WoW Gav, you have some nice looking legs there buddie.

Do you take it in the same way, or do you take it as a joke? If you take it as a joke, then why? If you think its because you know I'm not Gay and in no way would I ever do anything about it.
So what is different then If I said: WoW Jess, you have some nice looking legs.
You know I'm married and in no way would I ever do anything about it. SO I ask, does it make a different?

In my opinion I think alot of it falls on how well you know a person. I take comments alot different from a person that I don't know, then a person that is family or is a good friend.

Good topic so far BTW.


If Brandon said the same thing to a woman that was married(or not), i'd be pissed. I trust him and know he would never do anything, but i think those kinds of comments should be reserved for me. Also, why would he say it at all? He doesn't need or have to, so why not leave well enough alone?

Do you think its ok for a man/woman to comment about another man/womans LOOKS at all? Do you think Mrs. White would have said the same thing to another man? Given, times are certainly different, but does that really make it ok to do now?
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 11:18 am

Yep I do, If the comment isn't to specific then I don't think there is a problem making it once. If the person keeps making it there I could see a reason to be concerned. I think its important to tell the people you care for how you feel about them.

But now that I know it upsets/offends, I won't make anymore.

Hmmm, now I have more complaments to give to others... Look out Jess, your getting Beths share from now on.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Thu Apr 05, 2007 11:20 am

I think i maybe handled this all wrong.
I saw the comment and knew immediately that Brandon wouldn't like it no matter how it was meant. I should have pmed you about it instead of letting it go.
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